Studies show that the most important and impressionable years of a childs life are from birth to five years old. This is powerful! Can you remember when you were that young? If so, what do you remember? As I stated in my previous posts, my mother was a teen mom and my biological father was not in the picture (at that time in my life anyway). My family was as dysfunctional as they come! But, it was my normal! I learned a lot of my bad habits i.e anger, resentment and fighting from those around me. Every male figure in my life ( with the exception of maybe 2 or 3) expressed themselves through anger and fighting! It was their defense mechanism. When my father finally did come into my life he was no different from any of the other father figures in my life in regards to anger and abusive behavior! I now realize that you react in ways that is familiar to you. They didn’t know any better! They may have known that type of behavior was inappropriate but because they didn’t know how to respond in a healthy way, they did what came naturally. As I got older I began to display these same behaviors, in my opinion I actually feel as though I was worse because I was a girl! Girls are suppose to be gentle, loving and nurturing, Right? I felt as though, if I displayed these characteristics I would be weak!
In my mind, I had an idea of what a father’s role is in a girls life! Someone who protects her, validates her, wipes away her tears, kisses her on her forehead, and gives endless wisdom about life! And his hugs would be the best! A father’s absence (physically and mentally) can cause so much damage! I never realized how much I needed my father! Because I grew accustomed to living without him. They say you never miss your water until your well runs dry….. right? Well, If you never knew a well existed with water you wouldn’t miss it at all!
After having my first child, I decided to get to know God for myself. I lived many years off of others faith and relationship with God. I began to pray and read the word of God. Of course none of it made sense to me. I noticed when I prayed, I would pray from a place of intimidation and fear!
Many times we praise God from a broken and fearful place….. I was in worship one day, and I noticed that I had been worshiping God from a fearful place and not a place of freedom, meaning I saw myself as a scared little girl who had been violated and not a person who had been set free! I realized that I was scared because I didn’t really understand him (God) and why didn’t he stop what happened to me when I was younger … fast forward to my adult years, I went to church like a good Christian and read his word, sang praises to him but never got the chance to develop a relationship with him! I realized that I had begun to treat God like my earthen father. I would only talk to him when I felt the need to get things off my chest, but for the most part I disconnected myself from him. Sounds crazy right seeing that I am a Christian and we are suppose to be connected with God. Because my innocence was taken from me at a young age! I never learned how to build trust with anyone. I never learned how to deal/handle situations in my life in a healthy way. It was hard for me to trust God when I never met him. I was aware and had experienced his presence, but how could I truly trust someone that I never seen or touched. As I stated earlier I had an idea of what a father’s role was, my expectations of God was pretty much the same with the exception I really looked at God as a genie…. Sounds strange huh? But isn’t this how we treat him. We want what we want when we want it. Making demands when we feel we are in need! And even bargaining with him when we put our selves in unlikely circumstances. But, That’s not who he is.
I do recognize that each one of us has to develop our own relationships with God the father and that everyone’s journey will be different. As I stated before, it took me a while to change my perspective from viewing him a dictator! But as a loving, protective, compassionate, understanding, forgiving and most of all (to me) patient father! As any good father he has been there when I have been sad, angry (throwing temper tantrums) and even with me patting his legs (my imagination…lol) asking WHY? With tears in my eyes(So dramatic)! And each time whether it was through his word, a song of praise or worship, or through a person, he always corrected and then comforted me. This journey has been nothing but amazing!
I challenge you to take time to develop a deeper relationship with him. He never disappoints!